I feel both too old and too young simultaneously, all the time. Identity is context dependent. When I am at uni, I feel way too old, I feel like my interests are different, I am different, I am uninterested in what they are interested in and I find them silly, they find me a bore.
With my boyfriend, the opposite is true. I am too young, I’m too inexperienced at life, I don’t know what’s best for me, or him, or anyone and that’s down to lack of years on this earth accumulating knowledge. Fact.
It’s always been the same, or at least it’s felt it has. In the workplace, on a plane, amongst friends, too young, embarrasingly so. At college, on a train, amongst acquaintances, too old, inaccessible and to be avoided as a result.
What is the difference between my perception of myself and others perception of me? What difference does context mean to each? Does it make difference only to one and that affects the other? Or are the two in dialogic? Will I ever feel ok just as I am?
We live in an age of instant gratification. Everything is about results and getting them fast. Getting them so fast, that I have to make that sentence as short as possible so that ‘fast’ gets all of the attention because the ‘getting them’ doesn’t count, it’s nothing, the process is eliminated, it doesn’t exist.
I feel discontent. Sometimes this is overwhelming, but at other times, it (appears) mild, a quiet buzz, a flash of annoyance, tiredness, boredom, frustration, loneliness… and my automatic reaction – as that of many, I’d like to bet a few pennies on – has been, on occasion (or frequently, 10-15 times per day on average I’d say, and so would you, if you were really honest), has been to flick my blackberry screen to facebook. Let’s just have a look and see.
See what? What am I looking for? what do I find?
Distraction, mild, unsatisfying, yet loaded with tantilizing potential (that will ever materialize), distraction, is precisely what I find.
I have a problem with this for two reasons, 1) I achieve my aim of distraction to enough of an extent that I am able to switch my brain off from any slightly uncomfortable situation at any given moment in a movement almost unconscious it is so swift and unthinking, therefore I am able not to think about any slightly uncomfortable situation at any given moment. 2) the distraction comes at a cost.